Situation #1: <\/strong>Someone takes credit for your idea.<\/h3>\nKatie is the COO of a hospitality company. She has a keen strategic mind. In a contentious moment, she recommends that the C-suite move toward a new talent strategy. The idea is met with resistance. Then Dave, the head of IT, restates her idea in his own words. The rest of the C-suite supports him in \u201chis\u201d idea.<\/em><\/p>\nIt\u2019s not a matter of if\u00a0<\/em>this\u00a0situation happens, but when<\/em>: You competently make a point. It goes unacknowledged or is tersely rejected. Minutes or days later, a colleague or manager misrepresents your point as their own, restates it identically, and is praised and credited for making it.<\/p>\nWhat you should say:<\/strong> \u201cThanks for spotlighting my point.\u201d<\/p>\nWhy it works:<\/strong>\u00a0Spoken with composure, it:<\/p>\n\n- prevents you from being trivialized by serving notice about the misappropriation of your contribution<\/li>\n
- allows you to reclaim your idea without aspersion<\/li>\n
- gives you the upper hand when addressing the matter with a manager<\/li>\n
- provides an opportunity for greater ownership, if delivered in front of others, by offering detail or clarification for impact<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Katie didn\u2019t skip a beat. \u201cThanks for spotlighting my point, Dave. There are a couple other topics worth considering in tandem with this. I\u2019ll review those quickly and we can delve into more detail in the next meeting.\u201d The group refocused their attention on Katie, and moved along to viewing her as the point person for the conversation.<\/em><\/p>\nSituation #2:<\/strong> You\u2019re\u00a0asked to stay late when you\u2019re about to leave the office for a personal obligation.<\/h3>\nHeather is a physician at a large urban hospital. Wednesdays at 4\u00a0PM she attends\u00a0a one-hour clinic administration meeting. If Heather leaves by 5 PM\u00a0she arrives home in time to allow the nanny to get to her own children\u2019s after-school program on time. At 5 PM, Heather stands up to leave. One of the clinic administrators asks if she can stay a few more minutes until they are done.\u00a0Heather dreads saying she has to leave to relieve the nanny, because she knows her colleagues may judge her as having a poor work ethic.<\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cExcuse me, I have another commitment.\u201d<\/p>\nPicking up your child from daycare, moving a parent into a care facility, or attending a surgery consultation with a dear friend are time sensitive, must-do things\u00a0\u2014 especially when someone you love is depending on you. No matter how family-friendly a workplace claims to be, explaining family matters to colleagues can cause resentment.<\/p>\n
Why it works:<\/strong> This sentence will minimize your risk of backlash because it:<\/p>\n\n- serves as an implicit, respectable request for confidentiality<\/li>\n
- establishes an information boundary that puts anyone who crosses it at risk\u00a0of appearing intrusive<\/li>\n
- eliminates oversharing about the reason for your departure<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Gathering her laptop and bag, Heather said, \u201cExcuse me, I have another commitment.\u201d Another physician asked, \u201cWhere are you off to? Anything fun?\u201d Walking toward the conference room door, Heather grabbed her water bottle with the parting phrase, \u201cIt\u2019s just something I committed to long before this meeting was scheduled. I\u2019ll swing by tomorrow to get caught up.\u201d <\/em><\/p>\nSituation #3: <\/strong>In a pivotal situation, a trusted colleague snaps at you.<\/h3>\nManuel and Alvin run their website out of their home. Manuel writes content. Alvin designs and formats. Manuel realizes Alvin\u2019s work often requires longer hours to tend to. In appreciation, he frequently buys Alvin lunch, occasionally gifts him chiropractic treatments for chronic back problems, and sometimes surprises him with an addition to his wardrobe. One day Alvin approaches Manuel and tells him he wants to make a major career shift. Manuel says nothing. Feeling ignored, Alvin repeats his intention and asks, \u201cYou have nothing to say about this?\u201d Dismissively, Manuel responds, \u201cAbout what?\u201d Alvin feels disrespected by Manuel\u2019s lack of concern or consideration. Despite Manuel\u2019s many acts of appreciation, Alvin regularly feels shortchanged\u00a0in comparison\u00a0with the focus, regard, and responsiveness Manuel\u00a0shows to\u00a0paying customers. When Alvin addresses it, Manuel snaps back, \u201cLook at how much I do for you!\u201d <\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cThis isn\u2019t about what you do for<\/em> me. It is about what you did to<\/em> me.\u201d<\/p>\nYou know when a valued colleague, someone who\u00a0almost always does right by you,\u00a0damages\u00a0your good rapport? Frustration follows when your attempt to address it is met with a retort and a guilt trip. Though their concerns may be valid, it doesn\u2019t mean they should be rude.<\/p>\n
Why it works:<\/strong> When stated without emotional inflammation, this sentence can quickly reduce frustrations by:<\/p>\n\n- limiting the scope of the exchange to the isolated misstep, and not being derailed by an exchange about a history of mutual consideration<\/li>\n
- quickly dealing with the fact-based, cause-effect dynamics of the exchange<\/li>\n
- allowing for an opportunity to establish mutually affirming conduct going forward<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Alvin\u00a0took a deep breath. \u201cThis isn\u2019t about what you do <\/em>for me. It is about what you did <\/em>to me.\u201d He\u00a0went on to acknowledge Manuel\u2019s appreciation for his work, and then addressed his partner\u2019s unresponsiveness. Manuel apologized, realizing he\u00a0hurt Alvin by not being more mindful and considerate when Alvin came to speak to him. <\/em><\/p>\nSituation #4:<\/strong> You have to say\u00a0\u201cno.\u201d<\/h3>\nSam sends Julia a text at 9\u00a0PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service\u2019s call hold times. Julia has been asked to work more collaboratively with Sam, but she has been avoiding it because Sam is unreliable.<\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cThis is a good launching point.\u201d<\/p>\nSaying no is tough to do, especially when trying to demonstrate you are hardworking and a team player. It often seems easier to say yes to appease others, flash the right optics, or get the task out of the way.<\/p>\n
Why it works:<\/strong> Spoken with a tone of enthusiasm and flexibility, this positive statement allows you to bow out of the initial request, while protecting your reputation by:<\/p>\n\n- reframing their idea as a starting point<\/li>\n
- allowing you to entertain the request without committing to it<\/li>\n
- creating the option to shape the request<\/li>\n
- doling out diplomacy not rejection<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Julia texted Sam \u201cThis is a good launching point! I\u2019ll get my team together to prepare the data, and reach out to you with ideas of how we can approach the call hold times.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\nSituation #5:<\/strong> You have to give negative or awkward feedback to\u00a0someone you\u2019re close with.<\/h3>\nTony is a purchaser at a chocolate factory. For two years Jay has been both his manager and his friend. Lately, many other employees have asked Jay to tell Tony that he has halitosis. The situation has become intolerable for many, even off-putting to vendors.<\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cI\u2019m here to be for you what someone once was for me.\u201d<\/p>\nWhen you are giving sensitive feedback, no matter how much you try to position yourself as an advocate, people tend to become defensive. It makes you question if giving the feedback is even worth it.<\/p>\n
Why it works:<\/strong> Delivered in a calm and candid tone, this sentence can save a career, or life-altering moment, from becoming a decimating event with an alienating outcome by:<\/p>\n\n- giving the other person a moment to brace themselves<\/li>\n
- leading by sharing a personal account of a tough feedback situation you experienced, which endorses the value of receiving and listening to criticism<\/li>\n
- instantly unifying you with the other person through your shared vulnerability<\/li>\n
- shifting them from hearing the message as disparagement to hearing it as encouragement or concern<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Jay approached Tony at his desk and let him know he had some quick feedback. \u201cTony, I\u2019m here to be for you what someone once was for me. You may have noticed that I take a step back when we talk.\u00a0I and others have experienced, on several occasions, that your breath isn\u2019t always the best. It could just be dehydration, but I\u2019m concerned it could indicate something you might want to discuss with your dentist or doctor.\u201d He handed Tony a pack of breath mints. Tony, though a bit embarrassed, smiled and thanked him. Jay shook\u00a0Tony\u2019s hand and headed back to his desk.<\/em><\/p>\nSituation #6:<\/strong> You need to push back on a decision you believe is wrong.<\/h3>\nMae-Li is a partner and the head of the most important research team at a pharmaceutical company. Her team is the only group in the company that is almost entirely Chinese and majority female. When the office is undergoing a redesign, a few top managers are tapped to decide which groups will be moved to the less desirable basement level. Without asking for her input, Mae-Li\u2019s group is selected to move to the basement. She feels slighted.<\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cThis is my preference.\u201d<\/p>\nSometimes, when something bothers you, addressing it can leave you feeling apprehensive and conflicted. You can spend time analyzing and detailing a defense for your perspective, but it may just overcomplicate matters.<\/p>\n
Why it works:\u00a0<\/strong>It will allow you to direct the conversation toward a desired change, while still conveying openness for other approaches by:<\/p>\n\n- clearly communicating your concern and what you want<\/li>\n
- reasoning rather than offering a defiant dictate<\/li>\n
- demonstrating you are willing to get involved with a potentially sensitive topic<\/li>\n
- giving others the heads-up that the outcome matters to you enough\u00a0to track it as it develops<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Mae-Li popped her head into her manager\u2019s office. She explained that since she wasn\u2019t consulted by the moving committee before being directed to move, she\u00a0wanted\u00a0to share her perspective, in the hope that her manager would share it with the committee. \u201cI realize that some of the teams are going to have to move, but it\u2019s unclear why mine was selected for the basement. I want my team to stay on this floor. This is my preference.\u201d Her manager\u00a0took notes, confirmed\u00a0Mae-Li\u2019s perspective, and let her know that he\u00a0would advocate for her team.<\/em><\/p>\nSituation #7:<\/strong> You need to escalate a serious issue.<\/h3>\nEva is an engineer in Silicon Valley. While away at an industry event in New York, she returns to her hotel to find her manager in the hotel lobby. He tells her that he flew there to spend time with her because he has strong feelings for her. When Eva reports this to Abe from the HR department,\u00a0he tells her that her manager is one of the top performers at the company, that he has been there for many years without incident, and that she probably misinterpreted what he said.<\/em><\/p>\nWhat you should say: <\/strong>\u201cYour response gives me cause to take this further.\u201d<\/p>\nWhen it comes to serious issues like sexual harassment, there is still inconsistency with how managers and HR departments handle complaints. This can leave you worried and troubled about being mistreated again, about losing opportunities for promotion, and even about losing your job.<\/p>\n
Why it works:\u00a0<\/strong>This serious statement, delivered in a calm and matter-of-fact tone, informs the offender and managers that you will not be complicit and compliant with misconduct, and that you will figure out a way to take further action, by:<\/p>\n\n- establishing that the issue isn\u2019t going away, whether they elect to handle the situation themselves or answer to someone else about it later<\/li>\n
- being transparent about your plan to escalate<\/li>\n
- demonstrating that you expect the offender\u00a0to\u00a0suffer consequences\u00a0for committing the poor conduct, and that you will not suffer consequences for reporting it<\/li>\n
- empowering you in the moment, rather than demoralizing you in the aftermath<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
<\/p>\n
Eva\u00a0was not deterred by\u00a0Abe\u2019s\u00a0response. She\u00a0wrote his\u00a0words verbatim in her notebook and said, \u201cI shared the facts with you. Your response gives me cause to take this further.\u201d Abe raised his eyebrows and asked, \u201cAre you sure this is a battle worth fighting with your manager?\u201d Eva again\u00a0wrote Abe\u2019s words verbatim in her notebook. She responded, \u201cYes, I\u2019m sure,\u201d and repeated, \u201cYour response gives me cause to take this further.\u201d She thanked Abe and left the office to email another executive at the company, with the intent to pursue redress.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"You know the moment: a mood-veering, thought-steering, pressure-packed interaction with a colleague, boss, or client where the right thing to say is stuck in a verbal traffic jam between your brain and your mouth. Sian Beilock, president of Barnard College and author of\u00a0Choke, found that…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12074,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[20,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12075","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-press","category-research"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12075","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12075"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12075\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12078,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12075\/revisions\/12078"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12074"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12075"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12075"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.ubicastrategy.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12075"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}